billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
