The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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