It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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