I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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