Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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