Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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