i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
