Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
