Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
