I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
