yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
