soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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