i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize