my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Randomize
