I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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