Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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