PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
