I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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