So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
