Your face is a jimmy john
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
