I look better un-naked...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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