So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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