as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
