I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
