Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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