I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
