My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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