You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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