My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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