my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
