Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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