What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
