there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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