my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
