Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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