Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
