did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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