Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
