I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
