Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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