@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
