i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
