I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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