trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize