I want to make a zoo with you.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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