if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
