I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you mean i was at the winter classic?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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