i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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