just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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