I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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