There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My ass is underappreciated
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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