First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
