i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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