I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
