I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
