She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
