I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
