just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
