last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
